How I learned to stop worrying and tend my garden

Trigger Warning

This post mentions my work as an EMT and acknowledges death as something that happens to people.

As a UX Manager at Google, I participate in our annual Ratings and Review cycle. During this time, I strive to make sure my Reports are reviewed accurately; that exercise led me to think a lot about letting go. What is my responsibility to my Reports? To Google? To myself? Where is the line between being a good and thoughtful manager and taking on more responsibilities than I should when it comes to my Reports?

When I moved to the woods of Upstate New York over three years ago, I decided to volunteer with the local fire department and become an EMT. As an EMT, I sign-up for four 6-hour shifts each month. When I am on-shift, I commit to responding to 911 calls. When I am not on-shift, I still respond, but it’s my choice. I have an app on my phone, and everytime someone calls 911 for a medical issue, I know about it. Even when I don’t plan on responding, or I’m far away, I know about it. While the app does have a DND mode, unless I’m away for a week or so, I usually forget to set it.

A week ago on an early Sunday morning, I was drinking coffee when the app went off. It informed me that CPR was being performed and help was requested. I wasn’t on-shift, but I dropped everything, went to the firehouse, and joined a crew going to help. Given our long response times (it takes me 8 minutes just to get to the firehouse, let alone to where the person is located), CPR-in-progress calls tend to be tragic, and this one was no different.

Almost exactly 24 hours later, we got another call for CPR-in-progress. This time, I hesitated. I had other commitments that day. I started to justify my decision to myself: the dispatch is often wrong, someone else will go, it won’t make a difference anyway (early morning CPR calls often mean someone has woken up next to their partner who passed away in their sleep). I wanted this decision I was making, to not help someone else, to be the right one.

This experience prompted me to consider my duty to my community and the essence of volunteering, and I started thinking of cultivating my own garden. I have obligations, both expressed and implied, self-imposed and imposed by others. When I am not on-shift, I must give myself the grace to let go of anything that falls outside of those duties, outside of my garden. This is not because I am selfish or self-absorbed, but because if I do not, my mental health will suffer. I will drain my energy, become exhausted, and eventually I will be unable to care for myself, my garden, or anyone else.

In your own workplace managers have been given a garden with their Reports. This garden is vast, and often managers are not rewarded or recognized much for tending to it. You may also be responsible for other gardens, in addition to your Reports. Nothing will impact a manager’s wellbeing more than allowing issues and concerns from outside their garden to encroach on their life. It is crucial to establish boundaries between what we are responsible for and what we are not in order to maintain our well-being. Of course, there are some challenges with this objective of tending to your own garden.

One challenge is learning to let go of things that are not your responsibility. This doesn’t mean that you don’t care about your team. It simply means that you recognize that you can’t control everything. When you let go of the need to fix everything, you free up your time and energy to focus on the things that you can control.

Another challenge is setting boundaries. As a manager, it’s important to set boundaries with your team, your colleagues, and even your own Manager. This means knowing when to say no and when to delegate tasks. It also means creating a work-life balance and making sure that you take time for yourself.

When you set boundaries, you are protecting your time, your energy, and your mental health. You are also sending a message to your team that you value your own well-being and that you expect them to do the same.

Constraining yourself to your own garden is not easy, but it is essential for your wellbeing. By setting boundaries, letting go of the need to fix everything, and prioritizing your own needs, you can create a healthier and more productive work life.

Making a mindset shift is difficult, even when you know what state of mind you want to move towards. I find opening myself to acceptance helps me transition my thoughts. The exercise below may help you as well.

Mindful acceptance: Bring mindful acceptance to what's happening

This exercise invites you to observe your thoughts and emotions with curiosity and acceptance, like watching clouds drift across the sky. It's a gentle way to cultivate inner peace and let go of resistance to what is.

Find a comfortable spot: Sit or lie down in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. Close your eyes or soften your gaze.

Notice your breath: Take a few slow, deep breaths and bring your attention to the sensation of your breath entering and leaving your body. Feel your chest rise and fall.

Observe your thoughts: Allow your thoughts to come and go without judgment. Don't try to push them away or chase after them. Just observe them like passing clouds in the sky.

Label your emotions: As emotions arise, name them in your mind without judgment. For example, "anxiety," "joy," "irritation." Simply acknowledge them and let them pass like clouds.

Accept the present moment: Recognize that whatever is happening in your mind and body right now is okay. There's no need to change it, control it, or wish it was different. Simply accept it as it is.

Repeat: If your mind gets caught up in stories or judgments, gently bring your attention back to your breath and the clouds of thoughts and emotions. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Open your eyes: When you're ready, slowly open your eyes and take a few moments to integrate your experience. Carry the feeling of acceptance into your day.

Tips:

• If your mind wanders a lot, it's natural. Just gently guide your attention back to your breath and the clouds of thoughts.

• Don't worry about achieving "perfect" mindfulness. The goal is simply to practice observing and accepting your experience with kindness.

• This exercise can be done anywhere, anytime. Even a few minutes of mindful acceptance can make a difference in your day.

• Remember, acceptance doesn't mean you have to like everything that happens. It simply means letting go of resistance and allowing things to be as they are. This can be a powerful tool for reducing stress, anxiety, and improving your overall well-being.